I faked an abortion last night.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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