Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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