I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
