I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
