Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
