Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
