im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
