She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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