the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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