I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
be right there i have to get my cape
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
