Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize