He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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