I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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