So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
