Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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