we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
