Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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