I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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