Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
