No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize