his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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