you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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