I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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