If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
