Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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