Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
