I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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