Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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