Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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