I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
that may or may not have been my penis.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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