Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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