Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
