Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
