Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
