you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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