Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
