I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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