I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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