if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
