even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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