Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
