Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize