"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
