His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
