You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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