you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
