dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
