I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
