planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize