Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
All I want is dick and wine.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
