I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize