I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize