its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Little spoons don't ask big questions
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
