I am midnight drunk by noon
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
