just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
