I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
where am i from again
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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