My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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