A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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