As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
No subtext here. People are naked.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
