1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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