I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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