Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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