The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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