My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
