I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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