peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He passed out mid-signature
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
