One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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