Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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