If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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