I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
